Friday, 17 September 2010

Kangaroo Brain

I have a tendency for  kangaroo thinking my brain jumps from one unrelated subject to the next and sometimes leave people behind. I have no idea why it does this and to be honest I don’t care too much either it makes life interesting sometimes .  Although it does make it hard for some folk to keep up with what I am wittering on about.

My son turns 14 on Monday and I don’t even know if I will be seeing him, he gets so much homework from his school he may not have the time. I hate the fact he is not living with me but when I became ill it made more sense for him to stay with my parents. I didn’t want him  seeing me falling apart or suffering the effects of the treatments especially as he had just started senior school. I wanted him to have a stable environment without the distraction or upset of a sick Mom who may or may not have made it. Trouble is I didn’t foresee him not wanting to come home again when I fully recovered. I went into remission at the end of last year and he didn’t want to come back home which with hindsight with one of my cancers returning was not a bad choice for him. However now that I may be told I am in remission ( or not as the case may be ) next week I would dearly love for him to come home but he has told me that it will not be happening. I try so hard to be understanding and patient with him but it isn’t easy when all I want is my little boy back with me, I miss sitting on his bed at night and just talking about nothing in particular, I miss his laugh and his noise, I even miss him arguing and having a smart mouth but the thing I miss most is feeling like his Mom. I know I will always be his Mom I just don’t feel like one anymore.

I also know if I was to sell my house and emigrate to the USA he would come back like a shot but the property market here is dire still and what with certain unresolved financial issues it just isn’t feasible right now. If I factor my other half into things as well he is a dyed in the wall true blue Brit and loves this country dearly, I do like this country but whenever I have landed at IAH I always feel like I have come home and when I land in the UK I never feel like that.  Oh I am  seriously rambling now could have something to with a bit of a de-clutter I have had today and finding stuff I thought I had already disposed of but obviously hadn’t. There was lots of paperwork belonging to people who are no longer part of my life so that went into the incinerator, lots of photos of my son as a tiny boy not the very tall young man he is now, holiday photos from teenage years and right up to now so lots of memories have been stirred up and to be honest some of them were best left in the past . Funny how one job ie. looking for my sewing machine treadle peddle turns into a trip to years past and ends in me smelling like a bonfire. Still it was a good job as de-cluttering goes and I always enjoy a bonfire but I may have overdone things just a wee bit as I ache all over now and am shattered. Hopefully though it will help me sleep well for a change although I still haven’t found my treadle peddle………………..LOL.

Just need to take Richie boy for his constitutional and I can head up for a nice long soak in the bath, ease my aching joints, make myself smell a little sweeter than bonfire smoke and snuggle into something soft and cosy then cuddle up with my little lad on the sofa for the evening. Hmmmm now that sounds like a good plan to me.

My quote for today is

 

A person who has never owned a dog has missed a wonderful part of life.  ( Bob Barker )

 

With Love

Mollys Momma Tea

5 comments:

  1. As a personal friend of sorts, i have seen your pain and also been through that myself as you well know. You are a strong woman, if you werent you would have laid down and let your illness take over.

    I know how hard it is to feel as though you are not a mum anymore although we do our best to put on a brave face when they are there, when all you really want to do is hold them and never let them go. Oh yes i know that one, and then the sobbing when they do go because they are your baby not anyone elses

    You know regardless i will always be there for you, it might only be a poke on facebook or a comment here every now and then but i do think about you alot and want you to know that i am here if you ever need me

    SW

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  2. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Everything does seem to happen at once, doesn't it?

    Happy birthday to your son! I think it is as much a day for you as for your child. It sounds like he is a typical teenager - rebelling and wanting things his way. I was a pretty difficult teenager (that's a nice way of putting it), but now am quite close with my parents. Everything comes full circle - though I am sure this doesn't help much right now!

    Kristin & Pip

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  3. Well, I LOVE the quote. It is so true. I never knew how different my life would be with the Milshelb, but it is indeed so different and oh so much better. They have really made me a better person.
    I hope things work out with your son. I know that must be difficult. You are just so strong! Just keep our head up. :)
    ~Maggie

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  4. I don't know you but know that a son is a cherish. Do whatever it takes to get to him.

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  5. I read your words and you have so much love to give your son~

    I am sorry for your pain in regards to your son and your health~

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers~

    I'm happy you have Rich and your hubs and all your friends, including myself, who love, and care for you and support you greatly.
    This is such a strong support system and we are all here for you Tea~
    I was once told we are never put in a situation that we cannot handle. As hard as something seems, as unfair, as cruel, painful,
    There will be sunlight, things will get better...

    Hugs!!!
    ~Katy & IzZY, Josie and Anakin Man

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